Jack Handy Quotes

“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”

"I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people."

“Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared”

“When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.”

“It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.”

“The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?”